Anxiety and depression have made me miss so many things: birthdays, parties, special occasions, my own graduation, and on the worst days work and even getting downstairs in my own home.
“Anxiety and depression have made me miss
so many things”
I remember saying this to a manager at an exit interview for a job, and opening up about how my anxiety had made work difficult sometimes, and they said: ‘You look fine to me, I would never have known there was anything wrong with you.’
“I felt like a fraud.”
While her comment was well meaning and intended to be reassuring, it made me feel like a fraud- had I made all of this up in my head, and am I just lazy for not managing these things? During that job I would get up and get dressed, deal with people all day, be polite, smile and laugh with colleagues, and then go home and get into bed exhausted. Plans outside of work were just too much to manage: an extra portion of the day piled on to have to get through. Even just a coffee with a friend or a trip to the gym which I used to love, made me feel sick and overwhelmed, like I’d just finished a trek and the finish line had been moved even further away.
“The only place I felt safe was at home in bed
under the covers where it was quiet.”
The only place I felt safe was at home in bed under the covers where it was quiet. Outside the sounds of cars going past, people talking, or a phone ringing, felt terrifying. Inside I would mute my phone, and avoid any notifications flashing up and prodding me to go out. Sometimes these were friends I desperately wanted to see, and the worst part is I didn’t worry about having missed the nice time, I just worried constantly about what people would think and say. I was a bad friend, I was lying, I was useless, and just needed to make the effort (as a family member would say) to get myself into gear and go out.
Since then, things have improved a little, after trialing various therapies and medications. I have a great number of supportive friends. I actually have made new friends since then who have confided in me about having had a similar experience, and we both know that when we arrange to go out, neither of us will be cross if the other one isn’t well enough to go out.
“Being kinder to myself has been a
huge change for me.”
Being kinder to myself has been a huge change for me, and in some ways my experience helps me to have empathy for friends and colleagues.
York Ending Stigma
To find out more about our work and to join us to end mental health stigma in York, please refer to our website https://yorkcvs.org.uk/york-ending-stigma/ or email us on yes@yorkCVS.org.uk