You know the nervous, fearful, sickening feeling that you get just before a job interview? Well, imagine that feeling every single time you meet friends or family (even close family and friends), pick up the phone or make a phone call, send an email at work, or go to away days or social events. That’s how social anxiety affects me.
“Imagine getting a sickening feeling every single time
you meet your friends or family.”
A lot of questions run through my head in those situations – have I said something silly? Have I said something to offend someone? What if I am boring? How am I coming across to other people? Do other people like me? What if I look awful? Am I underdressed or overdressed for this occasion?
I will always believe that I was born with no social skills. As a child, I remember being told that I was rude because I struggled with talking to one of my grandparents which made me feel upset and to be honest, made my anxiety a lot worse. I struggle massively with small talk. But even though I struggle with this, I love to find and connect with people with similar interests to me and have meaningful conversations.
“I feel extremely uncomfortable and often find the
awkward silences painful.”
In a previous job, I delivered presentations to large groups of school and college students. After doing a few, believe it or not, it actually felt comfortable for me to do. You might be thinking, hang on a minute, didn’t you say you have social anxiety? Yes I do. But what actually made me comfortable was the fact that 90% of the time, I didn’t have to make small talk with the students. But stick me on a phone call or worse, a video call one-to-one with a colleague or a friend, I feel extremely uncomfortable and often find the awkward silences painful.
“I find the more structured groups a lot easier to attend.”
Something that I have had difficulty with recently is taking my daughter to baby/toddler groups because I know that I will be expected to make small talk with other parents. I find the more structured groups, like singing or dancing ones a lot easier to attend because I have to support my daughter with those things and that keeps me from feeling pressured to make small talk. I would love to be able to tell other parents that I have social anxiety, however, I don’t feel able to because of fear of being viewed in a negative way – unfriendly, rude or aloof.
“I have coping strategies that work for me but they don’t come naturally. I have had to put in a lot of effort.”
In attempts to help ‘cope’ with social situations, I am trying to be compassionate to myself and not place too much pressure on myself to try and socialise with other people. I consciously remind myself that it is ok to have gaps of silence in conversations. If I am at a large gathering/meeting, I try to pay attention to something external in the room, i.e. looking at the other person’s nose in attempts to ‘ground’ myself. These strategies are working for me, but I have had to put in a lot of effort because they haven’t come naturally to me. For the first couple of baby/toddler groups, I was very lucky in the fact
that I had a friend (who I believe can literally start a conversation with anyone!) who came with me and helped me with ‘settling in’ and meeting other parents. I can now manage my anxiety to a level where I can attend the sessions on my own with my daughter.
Social anxiety is real and it is difficult to live with. As I am writing this blog, I am feeling particularly anxious about this blog going public because I fear people’s reactions, but I am reminding myself that I want to raise awareness of this debilitating mental illness. If someone tells you/displays symptoms of social anxiety, please do not dismiss their feelings or label them as ‘rude’ or ‘shy’. Be there, acknowledge their feelings, be their friend and support them in social situations if they need it.
Social Anxiety Definition
Social anxiety disorder – this diagnosis means you experience extreme fear or anxiety triggered by social situations (such as parties, workplaces, or everyday situations where you have to talk to another person). It is also known as social phobia. (What are anxiety disorders? – Mind).
Resources in England
- NHS resources – www.nhs.uk/mentalhealth/conditions/anxiety
- Anxiety UK – www.anxietyuk.org.uk
- Mind – What is Anxiety? – Mind
York Ending Stigma
To find out more about our work and to join us to end mental health stigma in York, please refer to our website https://yorkcvs.org.uk/york-ending-stigma/ or email us on yes@yorkCVS.org.uk