This blog is part 2 of a 4 part blog series by York Ending Stigma Champion Bremner where he is sharing his experiences of anxiety and depression.
“I would feel guilty because people did try and help but it just didn’t work.”
As mentioned previously in part 1, this part will cover how my anxiety and depression continued into the next few years. So, I had counselling when I was 15, and after that life just dragged on till I got into sixth form. By then I was coming up 17. I had a girlfriend and some excellent friends; life was just how I could describe it as okay. I still had episodes where I just felt like what was the point? It could last minutes, hours and sometimes days. I had quite good friends when it came to just cheering me up but personally for me in certain times when you are low and feel like the world is against you. It just wasn’t enough, and I would feel guilty because people did try and help but it just didn’t work.
“In my experience, my mental health isn’t something that I can cure, it’s always going to remain in me and it’s something I have to face which I hate to admit sometimes.”
COVID hit just after January 2020, which was such a weird time, I felt like I should’ve been sadder than I was, however, because I was 17 and didn’t have any responsibilities at that time. I felt okay, that’s not saying I didn’t feel bad because I did. In my experience, my mental health isn’t something that I can cure, it’s always going to remain in me and it’s something I have to face which I hate to admit sometimes. Regarding lockdown, I would have the same routine every day which would consist of me waking up around 10 in the morning I would talk to my friends on the PlayStation, then I would walk the dog and then relax. I saw my girlfriend when I would walk the dog which was nice, so it was like nothing changed apart from the fact I didn’t get to go to sixth form. Like I said life was just okay then.
“I felt alone, and my sixth-form friends went to different universities.”
Fast forward to when lockdown ended and I had to go back to sixth form, life was still okay, I got a job as a ride operator at a theme park, and everything was fine. Previously I forgot to mention in part 1 that I was put on medication for my anxiety and depression, and for me, it did work. So, I went off them in lockdown and I was okay, then fast-forward to the end of sixth form and the start of university. Me and my girlfriend broke up, I felt alone, and my sixth-form friends went to different universities. Looking back at it, for me, I definitely think a break in routine makes me very anxious and lead me to have low moods which is why now I struggle a lot. It was such a stressful time which I wasn’t prepared for. Because I was alone a lot, my mum and stepdad didn’t understand how to deal with me which caused my mood to worsen, and I had the feeling of being empty and motionless. I didn’t care about anything, which made me so ill because I had nothing left when I hit rock bottom it was such a horrible feeling and hard to lift myself back up, if I had the information that I have now of how to cope more with anxiety and depression, maybe some of the damage could have been avoided. Also, I believe my parents did not understand how to deal with my mental health because it just isn’t talked about enough and making these blogs at least might help someone understand what mental ill-health can be and feel like. In parts 3 and 4 I will tell how life did get better but how I still have episodes that play a huge part in my life.
“If I had the information that I have now of how to cope more with anxiety and depression, maybe some of the damage could have been avoided.”
Resources for England
- Anxiety UK – anxietyuk.org.uk
- Mind – Depression
- NHS – Depression in adults
York Ending Stigma
To 
find out more about our work and to join us to end mental health stigma in York, please refer to our website https://yorkcvs.org.uk/york-ending-stigma/ or email us on yes@yorkCVS.org.uk