Everyone, from my parents, to family friends, to my uncle’s gardener, has asked me what I plan to do next since graduating and moving back home. The truth is I don’t know what I’m doing next, but that doesn’t stop everyone from asking, adding onto the pressure of trying to find something to do.
“Everyone has asked me what I plan to do next since
graduating and moving back home.”
What I do know is that I am struggling to even try applying for roles, voluntary or paid, I get overwhelmed looking at the criteria wanted. Past experience? Nothing really applicable. Driver’s licence? Not yet. Even the criteria I should be easy to fit sends me into a second guessing spiral about whether I would even be considered for the job.
“The weight on my chest doesn’t go away as I wake up
each day filled with dread…”
The pressure of trying to find something to apply to is leading to more than thoughts of insecurity. My heart races as I try to be productive each day, looking for jobs that don’t have essential requirements for past experience, or a full driving licence when finding lessons was such a struggle.
The weight on my chest doesn’t go away as I wake up each day filled with dread, wondering if I’ll ever find an opportunity when trying to apply for them takes up so much of my energy. I should not have the anxiety levels that I am experiencing when I am trying to scroll through job advertisements, yet here I am.
“I feel stuck, and I feel guilty.”
Applications overwhelm me. Even when I try to update my CV, I panic about whether the application will go ignored, or I will be denied, or end up having to attend an interview that will skyrocket my nervousness higher than it already is, and I will end up wasting everyone’s time. Even after talking to a careers consultant and being motivated to apply for volunteering whilst searching for paid opportunities, I still feel the overwhelming dread.
So I avoid applying (when I do find something I can apply to anyway). Instead of applying, I continue searching and saving the ads, never pressing apply because I can’t handle the anxiety of the unknown, the uncontrollable. As soon as I have applied, everything is out of my control, and the possibility of going on ignored, stuck in a limbo until I get some sort of acknowledgement, (and sometimes there is no acknowledgement).
“The expectations to find a job crush me with each day,
and all I want is to find something, gain skills, get that
experience and grow as a person…”
Having no experience almost feels haunting as I scroll through several different job websites, losing hope with each requirement of three months to a year’s worth of experience. The phrase ‘you need experience to get experience’ irritates me because I feel stuck, and I feel guilty.
“…figuring things out is overwhelming”
The expectations to find a job crush me with each day, and all I want is to find
something, gain skills, get that experience and grow as a person, instead of
stuck at home full of anxiety, letting the days go by because I’m struggling to
click ‘apply’. I know I need to try, and not everything is my fault because a lot
of people are struggling to find a job, or figure out their next steps, but figuring
things out is overwhelming and all these application forms don’t make it any
easier.
“On a positive note, I’ve successfully applied for volunteering”
On a more positive note, I have been able to apply for volunteering with York Ending Stigma without struggle, becoming an active York Ending Stigma Champion and helping to reduce mental health stigma through writing multiple blog articles about my personal mental health experiences.
Anxiety resources for England
• Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk
• Mind www.mind.org.uk
• NHS https:/www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/mental-health-issues/anxiety/
York Ending Stigma
To find out more about our work and to join us to end mental health stigma in York, please refer to our website https://yorkcvs.org.uk/york-ending-stigma/ or email us on yes@yorkCVS.org.uk